Let’s face the reality of parenting failures

Have you ever thought about the realities of parenting failures? Kids usually face too much stress because of parents. Yes! You heard it right. The unrealistic expectations are the main reason behind parenting failure.

There’s nothing worse as a parent if you feel like you’re screwing up. The idea of failing a child weighs heavy on any self-respecting mom and dad and it’s easy to blame yourself and feel like you’ve failed your kids. These feelings are understandable. You love your children and want only the best for them. When something doesn’t go right you focus on the parts that were within your control and obsess over the little details when in reality you probably had very little power over the outcome anyway. The fear of looking like a lousy parent and being judged by the other seemingly perfect parents compounds the problem, and it becomes a downward spiral of negative thoughts and self-doubt.

We’ve all felt the feelings. We’ve all made the mistakes. Arrived late to school with your child. Cooked them a seemingly bad meal. Forgot to buy them that thing they needed for a project at school. Let them watch television too long.

The good news is that whatever happened, whatever you think you did or however you think you failed your child, in reality, you probably didn’t. And even if you have made a mistake (we all have) in reality the impact of it on their life is more than likely far less than you think.

If we go back to our examples: Being late for school needs nothing more than an apology. The school will understand. The meal you cooked for them was probably far better than you think otherwise they wouldn’t have eaten it and even if it wasn’t the best then you can make them something else. If that’s not possible then at least you are aware that the meal wasn’t the best and can improve in the future. The thing you forgot that they needed for school probably caused very few problems.

Did you try your best to find one after you found out you had forgotten it? No doubt you did. Did you rush to the shop to try and get it? Drove there first thing before school in the hopes that the shop would be open and have exactly what you wanted? And then when you couldn’t get the item did you write your little note explaining how it was all your fault? Yes? Then you did your best. And what if you let them watch too much TV this week? Television can be switched off and other activities planned going forward. No harm no foul. No long-term effects.

It’s okay to feel the mistakes. That’s a completely normal side effect of being a parent and highlights how much you care and love your child. The stress you feel is your own conscience, a useful tool in the age-old struggle to strive for perfection but a bit of a drama queen when it comes down to the cold light of day to day life. What you have to bear in mind is that your imperfections, your little mistakes, and your forgetfulness won’t scar your child. Children are resilient.

All the “mistakes” show them that you are human. That you aren’t perfect, despite your conscience’s constant endeavor to attain it. They will be perfectly fine with that. And no matter what you think you’ve done or how you think you’ve let them down just remember that everything can be corrected, everything can be resolved and everything can be smoothed over. At the end of the day, that’s the only thing that matters because the right of passage, the falling to get back up again, is essential for both children and adults alike. If you don’t see that in your parents then you grow up thinking failure is a disaster and something that is not normal. You grow up to think that there is no such thing as failure and that nothing has any consequence.

That’s not to say you should mess up on purpose just to teach your child a lesson. Honest mistakes are one thing but lying even if the principle behind the lie is a noble one, leads down a slippery slope towards more lies that sooner or later your child will cotton on to and mimic. Acknowledging a mistake honestly and showing humility and offering a way to remedy/put right is a far more valuable lesson allowing you as a parent an opportunity to be a role model on how to build character and mental strength by bouncing back from failure, making amends when you’ve hurt someone, and learning from your mistakes.

For some parents, the fear of making mistakes and appearing like a bad parent to others compounds problems further. The idea that others are judging you and looking down on you is a powerful driving force, even if the thoughts are not entirely justified. This line of thinking leads to its own laundry list of problems. First, it stops you as a parent to accept that you can fail and by extension that your children can fail.

By doing so you risk becoming an overbearing parent. Taking over the lives of your children, doing their homework, trying hard to make them look good and by extension, making you look good as a parent. Your child never learns to fail and begins to see the parent as a failsafe, someone that will fix everything. They never grow and learn to be independent. Secondly, mistakes are brushed under the carpet to avoid criticism. Criticism can be unwanted, harsh and unfair. This in itself is fine. We learn far more from criticism than we do from praise even if at the time the criticism raises our hackles. Accept that you aren’t perfect and accept the criticism. Use it positively and teach your child to do the same.

In short, screwing up is part of life. It’s part of childhood, adulthood, and it’s part of being human. When we start to accept this, we become better people. When we start to deal with it around our children positively and acknowledge, adapt, apologize and move on from it, we become good parents.

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