Finding out that your child has broken the rules can make it tempting to discipline them in ways you know are not good for their health. But there are other options, which you should always try before making the decision to punish them.
First, take a deep breath and remember that your child is not perfect either. They have made mistakes just like the ones they have made before. Next, consider how much disruption their mistakes will cause in life, both yours and theirs. If you decide that the punishment is warranted, consider:
How do you want your child to feel after you punish them? What does it say to them that they were wrong and deserve punishment? What does it say to your child that they can’t “do as they please” and must follow the rules as you see fit? Is there another way of getting the same result, such as by apologizing to them, asking them what happened, or saying no with a good explanation? If there is another way of getting what you need, why not use it instead?
Refrain from making threats.
Threatening your child will not teach them how to behave and may cause defensive behavior. If your child is already defensive, this may make them even more so. Take a deep breath, let them know their behavior upsets you, and offer to help in some other way.
Instruct children on the dangers of how they can respond to anger.
Help them see that their anger doesn’t come out of anywhere, but has a cause. Explain that when you get angry, it’s not reasonable or safe to hurt others or damage yourself. Help them recognize that they are not responsible for others’ actions toward them. Remind them that they are not at fault for another’s anger or frustration towards themselves or others. Help them learn to respond to their own anger by turning it into positive energy, such as humor and action.
Learn the difference between punishment and discipline.
Punishment is an emotional response that comes from a place of anger, frustration, or self-righteousness, usually brought on by controlling others. Discipline comes from reasoning and fairness, coming from a place of understanding and love for others. Both can be effective in raising children.
Consider the position you are putting yourself in by punishing your child for their mistakes.
Remember that you also made mistakes as a child, which means you were just as human as your child is now. Your child will not be reprimanded if you are consistent with your rules and expectations. Teach your children the difference between right and wrong, not by threatening their behavior up to the day you die, but by teaching them what is right and wrong. This is done through consequences rather than punishment.
While it seems that punishments are often effective in changing behavior, do not include this as a reason for using them on your children. Give them more time to see the consequences of their mistakes. Punishments are usually more effective when they are immediate, swift, or shocking. Consider being consistent with punishment so they have a better chance of learning from their actions rather using punshiment every time they make a mistake.
Include positive punishment with your discipline.
If you discipline without giving a choice to the child, they will become confused and scared about what they need to do to get a reward. This can make them needlessly obedient, which is not good for development. Also, if you truly love your children and want to teach them well, discipline should be about teaching them right from wrong, not forcing them to obey you. Let them know that they cannot make decisions for you; instead, they must follow the rules and hope that they judge their actions wisely. If it is against your will or goes against your expectations, don’t reward them. The more positive punishments you offer, the better chance your child has of learning from mistakes and making good decisions in life.
Adapt your punishment to what your child needs at their age.
Younger children need more structure and reward than they do punishment, which is usually reserved for when they break the rules or disappoint others around them. Punishments should fit the behavior you want to punish, not the behavior you want them to change away from. Sit with your child and discuss their poor choices with them. First, make sure it is really their fault; sometimes they are simply trying to get out of something you say or do, but without understanding that doing so can hurt others around them. When they ask for help, remember that showing structure and reward with good consequences is better than punishment without it.
Take your time punishing your child.
Be patient and calm when disciplining them, especially if they are young. If a child has a history of bad behaviors, they may be more likely to respond to punishment with defiant behavior. Try giving them short-term consequences that can teach them better choices, such as taking away television privileges for a week or grounding them from playing video games for a few days. You can also try letting them know that you will give them something they want as a reward later if their behavior improves.
Be kind to your child when disciplining them.
Punishment needs to come from love and respect for your child and not out of anger or frustration. If it is done out of anger, they will have a hard time relating to you and many of them will respond with anger as well. Even if they respond positively to punishment at first, you need to remember that eventually they will grow up and remember the way you treated them then. If you punish from a place of anger or frustration, there is a good chance that your child will have low self-esteem and trouble trusting others. This may be the worst outcome of punishing your child.
When disciplining your children, keep in mind why you do so. Discipline is important for their safety and development; it is not meant to control or change their behavior once they reach adulthood.
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