I Said No, and I’m Not Sorry: Being A More Assertive Parent

Much as parenthood is filled with joy and happy events, it also involves lots of moments we may not be very proud of.  As a mother to a faultless and adorable 6-year old, I deal with guilt a  little too often and my daughter always makes me wonder if am a good mom. Yesterday was one such day and this time, I decided to stand my ground. Honestly, I did not feel very great about it at the moment but now I am very glad that I did. It all started when she wouldn’t put down her iPad and get in the bathtub in the evening.

It is Not About Letting Them Down (Be the assertive parent) 

I was trying to find a good reason why I had let her down. As parents, we want to give out children the world, but we can’t give them everything they want in life. We need to draw boundaries and stand our ground no matter how guilty we feel. As time has shown us, we do, in fact, know what is best for our kids. It is also our responsibility to bring up children who don’t think they are entitled – this often makes for very problematic adults who become burdens even as grown-ups.

It Is Not A Parenting Competition

Who doesn’t want to be the great parent who the kids run to first? If you are always saying yes to your children just to be seen as the better parent, you need to take a moment and remember that you are working as a team with your partner. If my husband had come home and given back the iPad to Summer, she would start going to him for favors, and I would become the bad mom who always says no. This is a bad show of teamwork and an encouragement to expect that they will get whatever they want.

Waiting Out The Tantrum

It took Summer precisely two seconds to throw a full-blown tantrum after hearing the big no. It was very dramatic – I was finishing up the dishes after our evening snack, and when I called her, she shuffled her way into the kitchen, glued firmly to the screen. I asked her to put it down twice, and the hysterics began when I approached her and asked her to hand it over. The little girl started welling up, shoved the device into my hands, then almost immediately threw herself down and started screaming. Summer has never done that before, and I was genuinely concerned, but when I tried to explain and pick her up, she only cried harder and shook out of my arms. After three minutes or so, she got up in tears and ran to her room, making it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me at that moment.

As you can imagine, the rejection broke my heart, and I was very close to calling her back and changing my mind. However, in an hour, she took her bath and was in full princess mode in her playhouse. We had dinner like nothing happened, and I realized that I only needed to be strong enough to weather the two or three-minute storm.

Talking To Them About It as the assertive parent

It is essential to explain why you couldn’t let them do something, even if not at the moment. It helps them to understand why you said no, and why they shouldn’t fight you over it. During storytime before bed, I explained to my daughter that we had a schedule to keep, and if we had extended her screen time, mommy would have had so much to do.

Guilt is part of parenting, and everyone experiences it at some point, but it does not make you a bad parent. It should not cause you to fail to discipline your kids.

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